Of Rain and Lemonade.

While I was at the church yesterday, I was sitting behind a man carrying and playing with his eight-month old kid before the service started. The baby was giggling and smiling a lot, she seemed so happy being carried by her father. Then her daddy put her on the floor to walk and she started making small steps away from him. She looked so proud and confident as she successfully strolled a feet away. Quirky sounds coming from her funny shoes made her lift one leg to look at it out of curiosity. Then she fell on the floor. Her daddy came rushing as she started crying relentlessly, hugging and wiping her tears. 

With teary eyes, I looked at my Dad who aged a lot, whose face sagged a bit and wrinkles were obvious. I suddenly remembered how he protected me from all the harshness in this world that could have invaded the untainted heart of his little girl.

“I still don’t want to let you go, but i know how happy you are with the man you chose” The most touching event between me and my father still plays over and over in my mind before the wedding day. He is a silent man, a loving husband to my mother and the best father you could ever have. “Watch for your temper, stop being a brat, always listen to your husband and shut up when needed.” Words of wisdom from a father who have gone through it all. It was a moment to remember everyday. I remember him giving me a piggy-back after school when I was five, I remember his hug when he came from Saudi Arabia bringing me my first mickey mouse toy, I remember all the times he cried with me while watching Korean drama movies, I remember the time he got so angry when some perve tried to harass me and I remember all the times he supported me with all my decisions in life and how he never fails to put God in the center of our family.

How he held my hand as I made my tiny steps towards life will always be in my heart. I could never forget how he cried on my wedding day. He finally let go of his girl’s little hands and give it to someone who will continue what he started. 

You can let go now Papa, but I will always be your little girl.

Created: October 18, 2010.

Michelle Phan said ““Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.” And I definitely agree. For the past years, I have dealt with it, I have kept it all by myself. Vengeance is my answer, abhorrence is my key. Tears are well too damn hidden so I know, you don’t know me. I lived with regrets and qualms about every decision I have made before, about every friendship I built then lost, about every words I have spoken, about every ‘sorry’s’ I never should have said, about every relationship that failed, about every lie I made and about every tap-in-the-shoulder I should have given myself.

Nonetheless, I’m not alone…. anymore.

God has given me the only person who can love me at my worst. In this dog-eat-dog world, he never fails to show me that life is still beautiful. 

Smile is a gift. Laughter is an infectious disease. Pain is a teacher.

By now, I am strong enough to close some pages of my past. I have learned the hardest way. This is the time to embrace happiness and the feeling of contentment that in this journey, someone will take your hand and walk with you side by side amidst life’s complexities.



I love you, my other-half.

On my 24th birthday, Ma gave me an umbrella. Mind you, this is the type of umbrella you don’t want your friends to see you using it. Simply because it has a Barbie-doll design (with her heads surrounding it), a lavender-pinkish in color and the combination is just MAD. A 7 year old girl will most likely to enjoy showing it off to her playmates but not a 24 married woman like me. But, my mother gave it to me with a wide smile saying “I know you will love it, that umbrella is strong, sturdy and I know you love the colors plus.. I am aware how you hate the heat of the sun so I picked an umbrella for you”. At first I was a bit hesitant to use it but when I did, oh boy how I love it! True enough, mom knows best.

One month to go, I will be with my husband. Life will never be the same again because I will leave the country and face a new life with him. Seeing my mom and spending time with her everyday makes this realization hurts a lot. I can see her hiding her tears and acting strong in front of me. She always cook my favorite dishes, watch a lot of soaps and movies with me, sewed two beautiful dresses and never stops giving me a lot of advices everyday. 

She is my umbrella.. my protector and my best girlfriend.

Even if she has tantrums, even if she controls me much, even if my curfew hours varies from 5pm to 6pm, even if I am not allowed to wear mini-skirts, even if she talks a lot and even if we tend to argue from the simplest of things.. I love her with all my heart. 

With teary eyes again, I folded my favorite umbrella and decided to put it in my suitcase. I will definitely miss her laughs and jokes, her cooking, her never-ending childhood stories, her massages from my migraine attacks and her incomparable care to me.  With prayers in my heart, I know God will continuously give me an ample amount of time to give back the happiness and love that she willingly offered from the day I was born.

I love you Ma. 

Everything starts with “Will you marry me?” and by the moment you answered the right words, you already entered another life-long journey with someone your heart chose to spend forever with. In my case, this was the scenario:

Dane: “Will you marry me?”

So shocked about his jaw-dropping question I blurted,

Renah: “I DO…” 

I admit, it was the most hilarious answer I have given in my whole life. Instead of “YES” it seemed I was a bit delusional and disoriented at the sweetest and shocking moment of my life. 

Dane: “I DO???”

Renah: “I mean… YES!!” 

And then the next chapter begun. The toxic time of planning is the most crucial part. As for me, I was the sole organizer since my husband is living and working in Australia. I had to do EVERYTHING in three freaking months! What to do! What to do!! For my friends who are getting married in the future, some simple advices..

THE EARLIER, THE BEST. I did not mean the earlier you get married is the best choice!.. What it meant was the earlier you get your suppliers, the earlier you booked the church/reception areas, the earlier you organize the invitations and so on and so forth.. will make everything so much easy. 

1. Plan for the date

2. Decide for the budget and the number of guests

3. Choose what kind of wedding: Church, Civil, Garden, Beach, Pool, Forest, Mountain…. wherever you want it to be! :D

SUBMIT YOUR REQUIREMENTS. No Marriage Contract, no wedding day. In my case, I had to do it ASAP because Australia needed to sign our MC (MC’s are given at your local City Hall). My husband also had to get a letter of “No Impediment” from the Embassy to prove he’s legally allowed to marry this humble, little girl. PFFFT! :P 

PLOT YOUR TIME FRAME. This advice is the most difficult during my time. I had to balance my time between working as a staff nurse and a clinical instructor PLUS organizing my wedding. Imagine the pressure! Luckily, our kind chief nurse gave me another leave from work before the biggest day.. or else, I’ll be the first raggy doll bride of 2010.

GET A NOTEBOOK. Oh yes, this should be your best friend. After you and your husband-to-be talked about the three important points in your wedding, start making calls. Start browsing the net. Start asking your friends who just got married and start dreaming of your wedding gown. And your bff notebook is the best thing to write all of these infos.

GET A WEDDING PLANNER/PARTNER. Their rates may be expensive but these professionals know how to handle and organize the biggest day of your life. I am just lucky that my fairy godmother (literally, i just added the “fairy”) is very kind to do this for me (for free!) and was like my partner-in-crime doing all the stuffs for my wedding day. I love yah Ninang Arlene.

BE PREPARED FOR PIMPLES AND STRESS. Okay, I admit my skin broke down on my wedding day. I had 5 major pimples on my forehead that even Mac was powerless to cover the bastards. Some friends also gave me this advice.. that I should be ready for raging hormonal imbalances due to stress. I also gained a little… oh okay!!! *rolls eyes* not little but a lot of weight. Simply because when I am stressed, I tend to eat a lot. So beware bride-to-be’s.. DIET is really a must. :D

My three-month preparation for my biggest day:

JANUARY:

1. Booked for the best place of my wedding day. Me and Dane wanted a garden wedding so these were the choices:

a.) Blue gardens. 

b.) Grand Terrace. (This was my dream place before)

c.) Tivoli Royale Country Club. OUR FINAL CHOICE.

What were the reasons why TRCC won our hearts?

-Their wedding package is awesome. Flowers, Doves, Cakes, Giveaways, Food and even an in-house photographer were all inclusive! Imagine the TIME we saved! Plus, it was not that BLOODY expensive. The staffs were all so friendly and accommodating from all of our questions and inquiries. Another plus, we only wanted a garden wedding but hey! Garden plus Pool is breathtakingly impressive! 

(If you have watched Rubi, Midnight Dj, Mara Clara and Imortal.. they always shoot here.. so I belong!! kidding. :D) 

2.) Verified the suppliers: Photographers, Cakes, Flowers.. etc. Since Tivoli catered every details, the job of organizing was so easy!

• We had two groups of photographers. One from Warmlights Studio and the other group was a friend of my father. Tip: One photographer is FINE two is a disaster! simply because, you will be torturing your facial muscles for almost eight hours of SMILING. 

Photographers: “Okay ma’am and sir.. kiss! *shot* dance! *shot* sit! *shot* eat!  *shot* BREATHE! *SHOT!* FTW.

But, we are so impressed at their works. WE LOVED EVERY BIT OF THEIR JOB. 

-Josiah’s Catering was superb. Tivoli Royale got the best catering services. 

• My bouquet was very simple. I wanted it to be so traditional so I sticked with white Roses and little purple Malaysian Mums which coincided with our color motif.

• The bouquet for my maid-of-honor.

• Of course, I love all the shades of Purple, Lavender, Violet etc etc etc etc! so our cake was a mocha fondant lavender cake.. oh so yummy! we added 26 mini-cakes for give-aways too and they loved it! :D

• Inclusive give aways of Tivoli Royale were 50 pieces of mini wishing-well glasses that were so damn pretty! 

Plus my generous godmother Ninang Arlene added some nice boxes of Bible verses for give-aways too! :)    

3.) Wrote my guest list; principal sponsors, ring bearer, flower girls, etc.. and a simple tip: advice each and everyone of them as early as possible. You don’t want your wedding march like your set of teeth when you were three—> with lots of spaces! 

FEBRUARY:

1.) Conceptualized my wedding gown and the gowns of the flower girls. (Maid of honor and principal sponsors had their own designs)

This was actually the design I was dreaming of before my wedding day.. (minus the black ribbon) but the thing is.. my parents are so conservative, they never want my sexy shoulders to show that much! :D :D :D. If you want a designer-gown, the maximum time is two months (i think) for them to finish it, (the time varies).

My mum always dreamed of making a wedding gown for me so I am very proud to brag that it was my mother’s hands that made my gown so memorable and beautiful.

• This was the design we both agreed upon (since I am not allowed to show any bare-back, too much shoulders and some cleavage). A Bateau neckline was her choice (it follows the curves of the collarbone), and stumbled upon one of Edward Teng’s designs and Ma made the back of my gown almost like it.. (Credits to Mr. Edward Teng, your gowns are really gorgeous). 

• Too bad, I haven’t got lots of pictures with the back of my gown. The beadings were so amazing! (My mum did not make the beading process by the way).

• I preferred a long veil than a wedding train. I wanted to walk like a queen, not a raggy doll pulling my heavy train :P

• The fabric used was a Duchess Satin and Ivory was the color I picked. I forgot the fabric material of my veil but I was sweating the whole time while I was wearing it and covering my whole face.. thinking “Kiss the bride now please!! I want to break free!”  

• It was my mum who sewed and designed the flower girls’ gown.. cute!

2. Finalized the invitation cards.

• Make sure your cards are distributed a month before your wedding date so people can adjust their working schedules.
• You can include a mini-map on your wedding invitation.
• A short poem, quote or a picture can be added too.
• You can specify if you prefer monetary gifts as well :P

3. Made reservations at the honeymoon places we picked. It is very important to make reservations as early as possible. Since we got married on summertime and we wanted to go to a beach, early reservation was required. Aside from Imperial Palace Suites and Baguio City, this was our perfect choice:

                          Acuatico Beach Resort, Laiya Batangas.

• Highly recommended. Awesome place. Great services. Superb foods.

4. Finalized the solemnizing officer or priest for the wedding ceremony. Since our parents are both Christians and Me and Dane are Catholics we decided to have a Judge as our solemnizing officer for the ceremony. If you don’t get it.. uhm.. okay :D

MARCH:

1. Finalized all payments; Invitation cards, Wedding gown (beading), Pre-wedding photo shoots, etc.

2. Distributed the invitation cards. This part was a bit difficult for me since we live 2 hours away from Quezon City where most of my friends and visitors reside. 

3. Verified all my suppliers again. Since I am a bit OC, I never forget to call Tivoli Royale twice a day.

APRIL: (25 days before the big event)

1. Food tasting at Tivoli Royale

2. Finalized wedding program. 

2. Pre-wedding shoot at The Heirloom Manila, QC

3. Pampered thyself. 

4. Prayed a lot.. prayed that my groom won’t change his mind! HAHA!

———And then the biggest day!!!!———

• *drools*

• The only major failure on our wedding was the aisle.. the judge arranged the altar facing the views but no one knew it would be covered anyway. So i only walked shorter than expected :(

• You are tied with me forever Mr. Flote! bwahahaa *evil grin*

• We enjoyed our floating names!

• This band was a surprise for us by Ninang Arlene.. they sang all our favorite songs!

• At one point me and Dane got scared that we might fall off the pool!

• Our parents and principal sponsors

• Our lovely visitors

• I loved this part.. my dovey was hyper!

• Goodness gracious, my pretty cousins surprised us with a video but then my mum gave my super ugly-duckling pics to show the world!

—————————————————————————————————————-

“The second wedding i attended was so solemn., not because the place was classy but bcoz you can truly see the expression of love and destiny in the faces of the bride and groom. nakakakilig, and i taught only piolo and angel locsin can make that kind of spark..”- John Albert Delos Santos

“I really loved your wedding very solemn and beautiful” -Dr. Girlie Contreras

“Di ko expected na ganito kaganda kasal niyo”- Tatay Pedro Pagal

“Kulang lang sa fun pero feel na feel ang love love!”- Ghee Arcilla

“Kakaiyak wedding mo..” -Des Dianco

It’s not important how expensive or how glamorous your wedding will be, it is the journey you will embark the first day after it. :)

——Best Wishes to all my friends who are getting married soon!—— 

Renah :)

Reposted: Nov 14, 2008

The sound of my vibrating mobile phone woke me up this morning. A sad text message from my colleague brought me to tears. “Rena, expired na si Charles” and that was it. I felt a strong sense of guilt and shame to my little stupid self. Remembering him yesterday, a day before and the six months he was in and out of the hospital, I wil never forget him. We were both experiencing transition during his stay. I was a trainee, then a nurse volunteer and finally a staff nurse. And he, from his handsome little face, thick hair and fine body turned into a sunken frame with puffy eyes, bald head and diffusing smile. One day, despite his condition, he verbalized he still wants to go to school. Shame on me, during the same day, I did not even want to go to the hospital to work. Despite all the contraptions in his body, all the chemotherapy and radiation sessions, all the medicines and transfusions he undergoes, I never saw him cried and even say “Ayoko na mama”. I never saw him gave up on anything. Shame on me again, with all the stresses and frustrations at work plus feeling of lonesome and sadness with this futile life, I even said “Ayoko na” to myself a hundred times a day. Seeing him yesterday before he was transferred to the PICU made my heart sunk into something i really cannot explain. I saw him in his wheelchair, head bowed down, with labored breathing and pale skin color with all the contraptions in his body– it was like a slow motion scene in a movie.

I went home thinking of him anxiously.

At around 5 am, he passed away. When I received the sad news, I cried to my mom piteously. He was a very strong boy. Unlike me.

Charles, be an angel to your mom and dad. I have seen how they loved you so much.

Be an angel to your little brother with the same illness you had. He needs you more than ever.

And someday, i’ll be thanking you for all the things you taught me unconsciously.

Take care little Charles, This is a happily sad goodbye from Ate Rena.